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Dictionary of important martial arts terms
Aikidō: A Japanese martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course your enemy does not know how to properly do ukemi - in which case he will have all his bones shattered in no time. Aikiodo is also known as "the fastest way to union with the ground."
Arnis: "Harness of the hand," a Filipino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, concentrating on stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronunciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.
Bō: A long stick. Very useful for bashing people.
Bokken / bokutō: A stick that looks like a sword.
Bunkai: "Analysis." Sometimes the sensei actually expects you to know what you are doing.
Dan: Someone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt in a Japanese martial art.
Darn: The sound uttered when a Dan realises that from now on they will get hit more frequent and more ruthless during training.
Dōjō: "Place of the way." A training hall - similar to a B&D parlour, but without the mistresses.
Hakama: A black skirt worn primarily by Aikidōka, but they don't really like to talk about it.
(comment by an irritated Aikidōka: "At least we don't train merely in our underwear...")
Hikite: A chivalrous act in karate. By putting the fists to the hip the opponent is given a chance.
Iaidō: "Way of the sword," the art of drawing a katana from its scabbard. A rather interesting sport developed around the principle of "look how big mine is."
Jō: A short stick, but it still has a greater reach than a chopstick. After all still fairly useful for bashing people.
Jūdō: "Gentle way," a Japanese pastime where grown men roll around cuddling each other.
Karate: "Empty hand." The purpose of this Japanese art is the smashing of wood, bricks and humans. Karatekas enjoy pain; this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.
Kata: A series of prearranged movements practiced in many martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that might involve pain.
Katana: A sharp metal stick.
Kendō: An unusual activity involving wearing strange costumes and hitting each other with sticks while making inhuman sounds. Could be a cult.
Kiai: A battle cry that is supposed to go with the release of immense energies. It is can also be used to render an opponent incapacitated with fear (or laughter).
Kobudō: "The old way," a collective term for martial arts which turned ploughshares into swords.
Kung fu: A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Students of Praying Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs.
Makiwara: The karateka's equivalent to a cat's scratching post.
Master: A title bestowed on a martial artist who graded in a McDojo or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 29.95 per month.
McDojo: Belts and glossy certificates on the quick. Special offers are available upon request. Who needs blood, sweat and hard work, anyway?
Nunchaku: Two connected sticks. Harmless looking but dangerous. Especially for the inexperienced user.
Ninja: A confused individual who takes pride in sneaking around at night in his pyjamas packed with hidden weapons.
Ninjutsu: The art of being confused and sneaking around at night in your pyjamas packed with hidden weapons.
Seiza: It took the Japanese centuries to discover and cultivate the most painful sitting position possible for the human body.
Senpai: A more experienced student who is not yet a Dan; often used by the sensei for practical explanations. Ouch.
Sensei: "Teacher." The alpha of the dōjō. Knows everything, capable of everything. Supposedly.
Sparring: Bashing each other senseless in the hope that that the sensei doesn't realise that you don't know any decent technique or kata.
Tae kwon do: This Korean martial art that relies on its followers to develop the velocity of sound and the flexibility of professional ballet dancers.
Tai chi chuan: An art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. Unfortunately by the time you develop this ultimate power you are close to death anyway.
Uke: A way to avoid substantial unpleasantries; but also the name of the poor blighter who is about to be flung headfirst into the mat in the name of practice.
Zen: The discipline of enlightenment that emphasises on meditation. Mostly taught by old and confused monks who have had too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditations.
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